All I Can Do
by Sabia
Summary: Buffy dwells on the revelation of Dawn's origins and her feelings for Riley, or rather, her lack of them. BA. Complete.


All I Can Do Is Try  
  
Disclaimer: Buffy, Riley and the others belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Etc. No profit is made from this fic (or any others for that matter). 'Try' is Nelly Furtado's song. If it's a cover of someone else's, I don't know, and so if it is, it's theirs as well.  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Timeline: After 'There's No Place Like Home' in early S5  
  
Summary: Buffy dwells on her feelings for Riley- or rather, her lack of them. Songfic.  
  
Notes: None.  
  
***  
  
All I know  
  
Is everything is not as it's sold  
  
but the more I grow the less I know  
  
And I have lived so many lives  
  
Though I'm not old  
  
And the more I see, the less I grow  
  
The fewer the seeds the more I sow  
  
  
***   
  
I rolled over, looking at him. He always was there for me. He was sweet, and human, and knew about the things that go bump in the night. But he wasn't him. He wasn't mysterious and romantic and knowledgeable. He didn't make me tingle. He didn't understand me at all. He was so ignorant, so boyish and self-righteous and naive and young.  
  
He woke, and saw me looking at him. His smile was somehow as corn-fed as the rest of him, and it reminded me of butter, or gooey cheese. He pulled me towards him for a sticky kiss, and I smiled back wanly, making an excuse about needing a shower. I know he wanted to do it again, but I couldn't bear it, being pumped into like some sort of mortar to his pestle. I looked away from his disappointed face.  
  
***  
  
Then I see you standing there  
  
Wanting more from me  
  
And all I can do is try  
  
Then I see you standing there  
  
Wanting more from me  
  
And all I can do is try  
  
***  
  
I met him for lunch that day. He told me about the debate he'd had with 'Maggie' before class, and I nodded, trying to look interested. I ate quickly and hurriedly mentioned Mom had said I had to take Dawn to the hairdresser's- it was a Monday, but the school had given the pupils the day off so the teachers could go on some sort of first-aid course. He nodded understandingly and chivalrously pulled my chair out for me before he went to pay. I smiled weakly in thanks, and dashed down the street. Dawn was lounging on the couch at home, her shiny hair loose and ready for her cut. She looked up in surprise when I came in, and asked why I was home early; her appointment wasn't for another 45 minutes. I smiled yet again and told her Riley had to go tutor a student. She giggled and asked if she was female. I laughed along with her and told her I was going upstairs to do some homework. I can't keep avoiding her.  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness  
  
And all the real people are really not real at all  
  
The more I learn the more I cry  
  
As I say goodbye to the way of life  
  
I thought I had designed for me  
  
***  
  
I'd had it sorted. Go out with Riley until he (inevitably) left me and then be 'upset' and move on. And now my sister wasn't actually my sister, Riley seemed too thick to run away before he got killed or hurt, and my mommy was sick. I curled under my covers, clutching the ring on the chain around my neck. It ought to have hurt, the warm metal jabbing into my palm, but it wasn't. It was real, a corporeal symbol of our (my) love, not just ghosts that haunt me in the night.  
  
Later I took Dawn to her haircut, and found Riley waiting for me at out usual place, livid. He asked why I'd gone when the appointment hadn't been for a while, and I quickly said that I'd gotten the time wrong. Dawn was watching with interested, inquisitive eyes, but for once she was kind enough to stay quiet. I apologized with a kiss, grimacing inside, and went to tell the hairdresser what we wanted done. He watched me in the mirror.  
  
***  
  
Then I see you standing there  
  
Wanting more from me  
  
And all I can do is try  
  
Then I see you standing there  
  
I'm all I'll ever be  
  
But all I can do is try  
  
Try  
  
***  
  
That night I spent the night at home to avoid Riley, and curled up under Angel's old duster, a photo of him and me in my fingers. I'd dragged him into one of those tiny automatic photo booths, and there we were me so young, with '80s hair and a mini, and him, a rare smile on his face as we squashed into the tiny space, his hair and shirt rumpled. Near midnight, I called the number I'd found going through Giles' phonebook on the cordless, and listened to him pick up. He was breathing hard. I smiled sadly at the memory of his unnecessary habit of breathing, and hung up as bittersweet tears came to my eyes. I'd tried calling anonymously a couple of times, but always Cordelia answered or the machine picked up. An advantage of calling late, Queen C was getting her beauty sleep.  
  
I miss him.  
  
  
***  
  
All of the moments that already passed  
  
We'll try to go back and make them last  
  
All of the things we want each other to be  
  
We never will be  
  
And that's wonderful, and that's life  
  
And that's you, baby  
  
This is me, baby  
  
And we are, we are, we are, we are  
  
Free  
  
In our love  
  
We are free in our love  
  
  
***  
  
  
  
Our love is the only thing we're free in. 


End file.
